That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Nov 11, 2014 11:50pm PST

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This is my sixth time. My sixth time writing the ABC bit you're about to read today. It's my favorite bit. I look forward to it every year. But I digress.

This is my sixth time writing it. Just like three weeks ago was my sixth time writing the midseason State of the League and last week was my tenth time writing the Association Game and next week will be my twentieth time writing the Screwy Awards. And this all happened because I stunk at fantasy football.

And because of Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Night.

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I spent the first three seasons of Gateway missing the playoffs in spectacular fashion. Season 4 was in 2008, a year that brought The Dark Knight into theatres, which then inspired me to change my team name to The Joker Beast, and from there, my team took off. Ten wins and my first time in the fantasy playoffs. I had never posted on the message board before because I wanted to wait until I had a team worth boasting about. I spent so much time in the basement, the cellar, the gutter, that I wanted to say something now that I was kicking ass. But I waited. I didn't want to jinx my postseason. After all, I had a shot at the Superbowl!

No Superbowl. Didn't even win the Pooperbowl. But after my postseason exit, I decided to post a little something about next season anyway. I don't remember what I said; all I remember is it was something cocky and cryptic like The Joker would say and a giant picture of the Clown Prince of Crime accompanied it. (It was still at the time, back when you could still attach pics and emoticons all willy nilly.)

Fast forward the boring offseason to Season 5, 2009. I won my first game. I liked the rush that winning gave me and the playful persona my team name afforded. I wanted to post another message, but I wasn't ready yet. Didn't want to trash talk and jinx myself after one win. Week 2 came and I lost. I said, "Eff that. I'm posting." For all I knew, I was headed back down to my usual 4-9 record. If I wait 'til I'm winning to talk trash, I'll be a mute for life.

So Week 3, I posted an article in the voice of The Joker Beast. It was a "game" of Headlines From The Future for all The Joker Beast's readers out there. Of course, the sole purpose was to talk trash to my opponent, which was Light It Up. It was a risk. I was sure I would jinx myself.

But I didn't. I won. So I did it again the next week. This time, it was the first ever Screwy Awards. Everyone told me how much they loved it, so I kept going. Five years, two websites, and 87 articles later, here we are. These weekly writings have been my favorite part of these ten Gateway seasons.

Except for winning. Nothing beats winning.

A little league recap and then I'll jump right into today's lesson.

Thanks to Kelvin Benjamin's two garbage time touchdowns in Carolina's stinky Monday Night loss, Allstate Mayhem managed to pull out the win over RAC ON RAC ON RACKS. The win pushed Allstate up into playoff seeding.

More importantly, RACKS' loss along with the losses of his closest conference competitors The Black & the Goaled and ARMAGEDDON keeps the race for the Vertical Conference money a tight one. And now, add Da,Pope to the mix. His 175.6 point win this week has him even record-wise with division foe 'GEDDON and trailing him by less than 3 points.

A lack of bye week reset for Packers Rodgers and Nelson now has Savage Life on the outside looking in. At least it gave Detox his first win of the season. In ten years, we've never had a team go winless. Congratulations, Detox! You're ahead of the Raiders.

Despite having the 7th-most points in the league, Hitmen stands at number 3 overall. At 7-3 with only 3 games left, he'll need to win out if he wants the Horizontal Conference prize. The point differential between Hitmen and division leader GameTime Decision is too great to overcome on a tied record. GameTime only needs 1 more win to get him 10 and that conference crown.

Since I've been thoroughly schooling folks all season, I figure I'd keep the education going with my favorite annual tradition...

Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo

Brought to you by SmackMack's Tushy Bushes: providing the most luscious lady landscapers in all the land. Get your edges trimmed while you get some trim, only from Tushy Bushes!

A is for Amuses, Asinine, and Awesome as in:
Most people find the "In Me Mum's Car" vine asinine, but I find it awesome and it amuses me.

If you don't get it, you got it.

B is for Bears,
C is for Can't, and
D is for Defend as in:
The best way to defend your campsite from roving bears is to hoist your food to a height they can't reach.
Orrr... Chicago law enforcement can't defend the city which leads me to believe they moonlight on the Bears defense.

E is for Entertaining, Epic, and Even as in:
Interstellar is entertaining and the visuals are epic, but when you tell me it's $20 to see it on IMAX, I can't even.

F is for Feel, Fumble, and Foolish as in:
How damn foolish does the kid from Utah feel after letting a 79-yard touchdown become a 100-yard fumble return the other way?

Don't you be foolish. Put down that Miracle-Gro and let Tushy Bushes turn your weeping willow into a giant sequoia. Don't be a dandy 'cause we ain't lyin'. Get it? Dandelion? That's a plant pun.

Tushy Bushes.

G is for Game,
H is for Hotel, and
I is for Into as in:
It's no surprise Peyton didn't let Brock Osweiler into the game; he doesn't even let him into the team hotel.

J is for Jiggle, Jimmy, and Joker as in:
Did I just see The Joker jiggle Jimmy Graham's ass?

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Pictured: The reason Bane blew up the stadium

K is for Kill,
L is for Lose, and
M is for Mountain as in:
Drinking the new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew drink Dewitos won't kill you, but it will make you lose all hope in humanity.

N is for Need, New, and Neck as in:
Pittsburgh Steeler Mike Mitchell is going to need a new neck after the way he Supermanned the Jets O-line.

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Superman that O!

Order a total lawn replacement from Tushy Bushes today and we'll give you a second one at double the price. You may think you don't need a second one, but trust us: you'll want it redone. Call now and we'll throw in a free gropiary. It's an X-rated topiary. We're filthy people.

Turrrshy Burshers!

O is for Over,
P is for Panthers, and
Q is for Quick as in:
If you get surrounded by a pack of hungry panthers, better turn yourself over to God and pray He ends it quick.
Orrr... The Carolina Panthers are so quick to turn over the ball that you'd think it was made out of child support payments.

R is for Rent, Rip, and Rotten as in:
I love the idea of $10 monthly rent, but only a rotten schmuck would rip off a demented old woman to get it.

S is for Scaling, Serve, and Side as in:
After announcing they are scaling back marijuana arrests, the new motto of the NYPD is now "To serve, protect, and pass the dutchie on the left hand side."

T is for Ten, Too, and Twelve as in:
Twelve teams, ten seasons, too many memories.

At Tushy Bushes, our bushy tushes don't have the best memories. But don't worry. If one of our birdbath booty babes ever misses an appointment, we've made rescheduling as easy as 1-2-String Theory. Just call our emergency 1-800 waitline and ask to speak to Albanie in Tacoma. (Make sure they don't connect you to Takoma in Albany because that's a whole different mess.) Once you're speaking to Tacoma, just enter your 17-digit tracking number to receive your 11-digit project number. Repeat back to Albanie the 2nd through 10th digits she just gave to you, making sure to leave out the 1st and 11th digits as this would reset Tacoma's mainframe and terminate the call. At this point, make sure your two assistants have their pens and pads at the ready. You did enlist two friends to be your assistants for this, right? You should have known that. Now, for your convenience and entertainment, Albanie will recite step-for-step instructions on how to set a new appointment date and time for your area while simultaneously reciting the entire last chapter of Moby Dick off book. It's really amazing. She doesn't remember much, but she's got that stuck in her brain. Once you've made it to the end, it's just two more calls and an email about one of the calls and you're home free to begin your chat session with Takoma.


Tushy Bushes.

U is for Unbelievable, Under, and Unfortunate as in:
After more than three quarters with Carson Palmer under center, the Cardinals made an unbelievable comeback after his unfortunate season-ending injury.

V is for Value, Very, and Viewed as in:
Two very short days after signing a $50 million extension, Carson proved he's not the value the Cardinals viewed him to be.

W is for Walk,
X is for Xylophone, and
Y is for Your as in:
Why doesn't it sound like a xylophone when you walk on your tiptoe like Fred Flintstone?

That's the sound of his metatarsals crumbling to dust.

Z is for Zapping, Zeppelin, and Zinging as in:
The way Bill Simmons is zinging and zapping everyone, it seems like he's trying to implode his ESPN career like a burning zeppelin.

Our girls won't leave you burning, but they will leave you with a green thumb. And green fingers. And ears. Hair. Definitely crotch. You're gonna wanna get all that checked out. I'm growing bark on my balls.

SmackMack's! Tushy Bushes!!! (Formerly BackHoes.)

And that's your education for this week. Never stop learning, kids.

Only two more chances to get your season of tenmories memories read. You know how to get them to me, so stop sitting on your hands. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Thanksgiving week is the emailbag, so right now is the perfect time for me to get your stories and add them to the Week 13 article. Your voice recorded in print for posterity.

That kinda didn't make no sense. But whaddya expect? I named my fantasy team after a fictional maniac.

~That Why So Serious Mofo~

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