That Bearded Mofo

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String Them Along

Published Wed Nov 5, 2014 4:25pm PST

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Hey, hey, hey... We're gonna keep it brief today. I'm gonna see if I can get through all of this before another Gateway trade breaks out.

The Chargers messed everyone up. Not even a point for the kicker. Blanked by Miami. Miami?!?! A Dolphin hasn't done anything this surprising since Ray Finkle in Ace Ventura. Laces out!

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And starring Dan Marino as A Baby.

Foles owners are scrambling. Romo owners are scrambling. Foster owners may be scrambling. Peterson owners may be rejoicing. Sanchez owners don't exist, but they will soon. And Roethlisberger owners are finally going to put him in the lineup only 2 weeks and 12 touchdowns late.

Real quickly... *singing* I'm in the playoffs! I'm in the playoffs! *singing*


This past week, GameTime very quietly hit the league's second-highest score of the season at 195.5. Meanwhile, STLiens very loudly scored the league low at 59.8 due to roster inattention. This gave B.F. Vandal Savages an easy win while dropping STLiens deeper out of playoff contention. Of course, STLiens plans to change that with all of his wheeling and dealing. After a blockbuster trade between STLiens and ARMAGEDDON, 'GEDDON now has 7 picks in the first 4 rounds of next year's draft while STL has only 1 pick in the first 5 rounds. So, 2015 should be interesting.

RACKS dropped a hefty 165.1 of his own thanks to 20+ from every QB, RB, and WR. That puts him at 7 wins and more than likely into the playoffs. But back to STLiens for half a sec. Philip Rivers got him .2. Yes, less than a quarter of a point. The Screwy Awards almost busted up in here like Kool-Aid Man when they saw that.

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The face of terror for insurance adjusters everywhere.

I know what you're thinking. "You call this brief, Mofo? I've found manifestos in backwoods shacks that were shorter." Let's get on with it with another round of the association game. You know how it goes. It's like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon but without the clever title or movie references or a point. For instance, rumors persist that Seahawks players don't like Russell Wilson because they believe he is whitewashed. How real is that deal?

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Russell Wilson > Grady Wilson > Whitman Mayo > Whitebread mayo

Oof. Sorry Russell. I don't believe in the idea of "not Black enough", but with only 3 connections, it looks like your teammates do. Wait. Isn't he half White?... {shrug} Anyway... Remember, the fewer the links, the truer it is. Now let's hop onboard this thought train.

Association 1
A weather reporter was caught peeing in the bushes on live TV. Yeah, we're jumping right out there with this one. The field producer says the reporter wasn't relieving himself; he was trying to find his phone. What should we believe?

Reporter > Eyewitness News > Lie Witness News > Jimmy Kimmel > Jimmy Neutron > "I'm just burning doing the neutron dance" > Burning > The Hindenburg > Balloon > Saloon > Watering hole > Watering can > Water the plants

With only 12 connections, looks like you better stay upwind of that guy. Also, this:

Association 2
Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger threw for 6 touchdowns in one game. Everyone said it was a fluke, so he threw for 6 more the very next week. Twelve TDs in two weeks??? What kind of sense does that make?

Roethlisberger > Hamburger > Hamburglar > Damn burglar! > Damn Yankees > New York Yankees > Derek Jeter > Bo Derek > Bo Jackson > Bo knows > Cold nose > Needle nose > Box of needles > 72 points

That was... something. It was 13 connections. That's what it was. So, it makes a lot of sense even though that made no sense.

Association 3
A woman woke up on her 26th birthday to find an Uber charge for $362. (And now she's getting morons from the Internet to pay for it.) Did Uber pull a goober?

Uber > Super > The Super > Joe Pesci > Home Alone > "Keep the change, ya filthy animal." > "He loves animals and they love him back" > Brian Fellows Safari Planet > Tracy Morgan > Party bus crash > See the next association > C U Next Tuesday > Acronym > Anagram > Mammogram > Lady lumps > "My humps, my humps, my humps" > Camel > Camel toe > Tight pants > Steve Urkel > Family Matters > Judy Winslow > Judy Blume > Superfudge > Supercharge > Overcharge

Hmm. 26 connections seems excessive. Maybe we give it another shot?

Uber > App > Chap > Chop > Cut > Paper cut > Band-aid > Rip off

Yeah, there we go. Only 7 connections. You know they trying to rip people off.

Association 4
The Washington Youknowthenameisoffensives hit a bit of a problem this weekend when one team bus crashed into another one. Could this have effected their outcome against the Minnesota Youwouldn'tgoaroundcallingthemWhiteskins?

Bus crash > Plane crash > Lost > Found > "I once was lost but now I'm found / Was blind but now I see" > Amazing Grace > Amazing Spider-Man > Spider 2 Y Banana > Jon Gruden's favorite > Hooters > Double Ds > Double Dragon > Martial artists > Ninja Turtles > Caramel Pecan Turtles > Pecan > Pee can > Toilet > Crapper > Crappy > 2014 Midterm Elections > Republicans > Talkin' outta your ass > Ace Ventura > "La-ooh-oohser!" > Losers

Whew. We got another Ace Ventura reference in there, but 25 connections is a lot. I say it's better to wear your seatbelt at all times anyway. Otherwise, you could lose a lot more than your life. You could lose an NFL game!

That's about it for this week. But before we go, how about one last quick association?

Association 5
It's brother against brother this week as the much older The Black & the Goaled takes on the young and good-looking GameTime Decision. Who's going to be sent home crying to mommy?

Beaten > Black and blue > Black & Goaled

That was so easy, it has to be true.

~That Alllllllrighty Mofo~

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