That Bearded Mofo

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Not Ready For Prime Time

Published Tue Oct 28, 2014 11:15pm PST

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The NFL plans to increase its London games next season. As if 3 this year isn't already 3 too many. Just stop, NFL. You're not the NBA. Other countries are never going to buy into football like that. You know why basketball is so popular around the world? Because it's soccer indoors and with hands.

Remember NFL Europe? Seemed like a great idea. Hell, it was a great idea! It's not your fault that the fans were stupid and didn't like it. What do they know? Football is American. And, just like Americans, other countries would like it to stay in America. And maybe, instead of imperialistically forcing it down their throats, we should just listen to them and keep it here. Because if there's anyone who abhors imperialism, it's the British.

So what happened in Week 8? The Falcons gave that London game away to the Lions. And the Cowboys cost me in my eliminator pool by suddenly remembering that they're the Cowboys. How do you beat Seattle in Seattle one week and lose at home to Washington just 15 days later?

In the fantasy world, GTD--that's me--is all ready for the playoffs at 7-1; The Black & The Goaled and ARMAGEDDON have swapped seeding at 3 and 4; Hitmen, Black Francis Soyer, and Da,Pope rose up to the middle, while Savage Life slipped to the bottom of the playoff contender line and STLiens fell below it. No change for RACKS, Allstate, B.F., and Detox, which is a sad thing for the latter three and a glad thing for the first.

Now on to something better which is the worst. It's time to throw it up for the players that make you throw up. It's time for the Friday the 13th Annual Screwy Awards! Let's see who we're giving fake trophies to today.

The "Jets QBs Have More Turnovers Than A Bakery" Award - Quarterbacks
Alex Smith, 12.7 pts
Cam Newton, 7.9 pts
Sham Newton, 7.9 pts
Damn, Newton!, 7.9 pts

You know who should really have this award? Geno Smith. But he wasn't nominated because no one was stupid enough to start him. Except Rex Ryan. Geno had -5.8 fantasy points. When I first read that, I said, "That's a lie." I said that and I'm the one who wrote it! But, as impossible as it sounds, it is true. Geno has thrown 10 interceptions on the season and he's only played 8 games. And he was benched for 5 quarters of 'em. That's 10 interceptions in 27 quarters. This past Sunday, he had an interception ratio of 1:1.67. To be clear, I mean he had 1 interception for every 1.67 yards passing. The man only had 5 yards passing!

But enough Geno-bashing since he lost the game, lost his starting job, and lost this Screwy award which goes to Cam Newton.
It was against the Seahawks. So I guess we give Cam credit for that. Newton got 15 points against the Seahawks last year. And only 10 against them the year before that. Wait, why is he playing the Seahawks so much? When did the Panthers become a part of the NFC West? And why was this game on CBS? They're both NFC teams. No, no. None of this makes any sense. Much like Cam's post-game wardrobe.

The "Marshawn Lynch Loveded Him Some Percy Harvin" Award - Running Backs
Joique Bell, 7.1 pts
Bryce Brown, 1.5 pts
Jeremy Hill, 7.3 pts
Marshawn Lynch, 6.9 pts
Tre Mason, 3.8 pts
Jerick McKinnon, 8.8 pts
Shane Vereen, 6 pts

And the Screwy goes to Tre Mason.
He stinks, Rams stink, ya mama stinks. Sorry. Ya mama didn't do anything to be brought into this. ... You know what? I take this back. Gimme back that trophy.

Screwy goes to Joique Bell.
That's right. Took it out of Mason's hands right at the podium. Bell had twice as many carries as Mason for nearly the same amount of yards. These London games gotta stop. You can't tell who to start anymore, especially at 6AM Pacific. ... Wait a minute. Is that--? Gimme back this trophy!

Screwy really goes to Bryce Brown.
Put the Bills running backs in front of a firing squad. Buffalo would have been better off giving Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller the ball, and Jackson has an effed up groin and Spiller is dead. Okay, he's not really dead. He's just dead to fantasy. And he's always been dead to me. But back to Bryce Brown and Boobie Dixon. First off, you can't be named Boobie. When we start giving people immature anatomical nicknames, the culture has disintegrated. I don't want to buy my steaks from Tallywacker Jackson or cast my vote for Chesticles A. Arthur. But I will let my defense be led by Va-jay-jay Watt. Secondly, you can't combine for 59 rushing yards and 0 receiving yards. You just can't. I mean, you did. But you're not supposed to is what I'm saying. Michael Vick ran for 69 yards in the same game and he's held together by PVC pipes and chewing gum.

The "Jeremy Maclin Likes To Get Wet" Award - Wide Receivers

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"Watch as I make your Gatorade...disappear!"

Julian Edelman, 2.4 pts
Vincent Jackson, 2.3 pts
Jarvis Landry, 5.7 pts
Jordy Nelson, 5.5 pts
Eddie Royal, 5.9 pts
Torrey Smith, 0 pts
Wes Welker, 2.5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jordy Nelson.
Wha' happened? You were the Great White Hope. The number one Gateway draft pick. You haven't scored single digits all season. Until now. Lordy, Jordy! I bet you've never heard that one before. You smell, son, Nelson. I know you never heard that one before, because it was bad. Real bad. Outright terrible, actually. I'd say that joke was worth about 5.5 points.

The "Ebola Scare Got People Clenching Hard" Award - Tight Ends
Charles Clay, 1.1 pts
Coby Fleener, 1.4 pts
Greg Olsen, 2.6 pts
Julius Thomas, 4.3 pts

And the Screwy goes to Coby Fleener.
Ohhh! The one week Witten gets the bench, Fleener gets the stubby start and Witten finally goes off. That move was a bigger whiff than a four-year-old taking his first swing at t-ball. Or a harsher whiff than his diaper two years earlier. That's a gross thought. So is Fleener's score.

The "Peyton Kicks The Scoreboard Op To The Curb" Award - Kickers

Dan Bailey, 5 pts
Matt Bryant, 3 pts
Brandon McManus, 5 pts
Nick Novak, 3 pts

And the Screwy goes to Nick Novak.
3 points? You sonofabitch.

The "And Starring Lamarr Houston As Stephen Tulloch" Award - Individual Defensive Player

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Cross up your arms / Thrust out your hips
Bye ACL / You're doing the Sack Mistake! Ooh ow!


Cortez Allen (DB), 2.5 pts
Kroy Biermann (DL), 3.5 pts
Antoine Cason (DB), 1.5 pts
Kam Chancellor (DB), 2.5 pts
Fletcher Cox (DL), 1 pt
Marcell Dareus (DL), 1 pt
Carlos Dunlap (DL), 2.5 pts
Cameron Heyward (DL), .5 pts
Jerry Hughes (DL), 0 pts
Dawan Landry (DB), 3 pts
Clay Matthews (LB), 3.5 pts
Harrison Smith (DB), 2.5 pts
Lawrence Timmons (LB), 3.5 pts
Willie Young (DL), 1.5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jerry Hughes.
You've got five and a half sacks on the season. You can't get one tackle?

The "Protect Colt McCoy At All Times, Even Postgame" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Arizona Cardinals, 5 pts
Dallas Cowboys, 6 pts
Green Bay Packers, 0 pts
Philadelphia Eagles, 3 pts

And the Screwy goes to the Green Bay Wacker--I mean Packers.
My goodness, the badness! And with Packers DB Morgan Burnett a game time scratch, it was double bagels for fantasy owner STLiens. The Saints at the Superdome ain't easy, but it ain't that hard.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Larry Fitzgerald, 29 pts for butchering B.F. Vandal Savages
Rob Gronkowski, 41.9 pts for vandalizing B.F. Vandal Savages
Andrew Luck, 36.6 pts for cancelling Allstate Mayhem
Antonio Brown, 35.8 pts for alligator chomping Allstate Mayhem
T Y Hilton, 27.5 pts for uninsuring Allstate Mayhem
Drew Brees, 34.1 pts for savvying Savage Life
Matt Forte, 27.8 pts for cabbaging Savage Life
Jeremy Maclin, 42.7 pts for disarming ARMAGEDDON
Tom Brady, 47.7 pts for STOmping STLiens
Peyton Manning, 32.3 for debilitating Detox
Emmanuel Sanders, 39.6 for drying out Detox

And the Screwy goes to... Everybody? Nah, it's Brady.
He threw 5 TDs this week but still got outdone by Roethlisberger. We might as well give him something, so there's this. But looking at those other numbers... Maclin and Gronkowski, hot damn! Or as their opponents would say it, "Damn them to hot hell!" Gronk had 3 TDs and Maclin had almost 200 yards. Insane. You know what else is insane? Manning to Sanders and Luck to Hilton, a duo of duos that torched opponents. But Brady got more points than the rest of these geniuses, so we'll crown him Fantasy Bastard.

The "Sarah Palin, Sit Your Ass Down Already!" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Patriots, 16 pts
Bills, 17 pts
Ryan Tannehill, 18.6 pts
DeSean Jackson, 19.6 pts
Lorenzo Taliaferro, 19.9 pts
Andrew Hawkins, 21.8 pts
Mark Ingram, 24 pts
Brandin Cooks, 27.8 pts
Carson Palmer, 28.4 pts
Ben Roethlisberger, 62.1 pts
Nick Foles, 29.9 pts
Golden Tate, 28.1 pts
Heath Miller, 24.2 pts
Keenan Allen, 22.3 pts
Mohamed Sanu, 20.2 pts
Brian Hoyer, 19.8 pts
Timothy Wright, 19.1 pts
Jason Witten, 18 pts
Jimmy Graham, 16.9 pts

Honorable Mention: Jay Cutler, 30.9 pts

This is a really long list. A whole lot of points. Every bench in the league. How about it goes to the guy that doubled every nominee? The Screwy goes to Big Ben Roethlisberger.
Daaaaaamn. Six weeks ago, Ben won the QB Screwy with a paltry 8.8 points. Now he's 1 of only 4 players to ever break 60 in Gateway fantasy history (Michael Vick, Week 10, 2010; Peyton Manning, Week 1, 2013; Nick Foles, Week 9, 2013). All those Big Ben points sat on Yours Truly's bench. Wanna hear something really kinda jacked? I just picked up Ben after my opponent this week just dropped him because he acquired Cam Newton who is this week's QB Screwy winner. Ain't (fantasy) life a trip?

It's time to undo your spats and put out the cats. That's all from the 666th Annual Screwy Awards!

It's only Week 9 which means there's still four more opportunities for you to share your fondness for fantasy football with the rest of us in our season-long celebration of Gateway Fantasy Football. Maybe you play in another league. Or several other leagues. Tell us which one's your favorite. Maybe you had a special moment in that league. Not a "show us on the doll" type of special moment, but one that sticks with you nonetheless. Just call, email, text, or Dead Sea scroll your memories to me with as much detail as possible--the more info, the better--and I'll share it in an upcoming article.

Four of the six games this week are conference matchups as East takes on West and North battles South. Get prepared because we're allllmost all still in it to win it.

Have a happy Halloween. And if you get any candy with razor blades in it, sweet! Blades are expensive. You can totally cash in!

~That Bloody-Mouthed Mofo~

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