That Bearded Mofo

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Bum & Bummer Too

Published Tue Nov 18, 2014 8:00pm PST

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And I ain't talking about the season number.

Krush Groove is the first to reach double digit wins this season and NKTB is the only other team that can join me. He'll need to win out to do it, though.

Wait, hold on a second. Krush Groove? NKTB? What's this gibberish? I'll tell you. In honor of Season 10 and, let's say, the Packers' throwback uniforms, today's joint is all throwback Gateway team names.

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Today's lotto numbers are...

Week 11 saw some amazing shift. Gridy pulls off back-to-back wins to jump up from dead last to almost dead last. Black drops into that 12th place spot now that both he and Gridy each have only 2 wins.

Gridy's victim Mac Attack was once a prominent contender for the conference lead, but with 4 straight losses he now finds himself at the bottom of the division AND the bottom of playoff seeding. It's getting dangerous for Mac, aka Light It Up; 9th place Showtime has been on a 5-game skid of his own, but only trails him by one game. If Showtime makes a run and Mac Attack continues to stall, Mac will have an extra three weeks on the clock to think about all his draft picks.

After eking out a win over Dub, Pope, All Madden remains at the top of the North Division and jumps over Survivors into the number 3 spot. Survivors, or Da Hit Squad if you will, drops to four after a loss against that krush grooving Beast Holmes. These teams hail from the East Division and bookend the top half of the playoff rankings to date.

Going Ol School with a team name from previous ownership, The Rated-R Superstars stay in 10th place after putting up an even 100 in their loss to not so new kid on the block Gladiators. Meanwhile, another previously owned team Da Goonies remains The Chosen One of the West Division with his win over that black Diablo Negro. But Team Perfection is nipping at his heels after scoring the Week 11 high and jumping up from 8th to 6th overall. Looks like trading away all those draft picks could be paying off.

You know what's not paying off? Your players. None of them. It's time to celebrate the stinka that made you wanna drink-ah. It's time for the 20th Ever Screwy Awards! Tonight, we do things not differently at all. Here's your quarterbacks.

The "Shaun Hill Is Our Austin Davis Is Our Shaun Hill Is Our Guy" Award - Quarterbacks
Matthew Stafford, 7.1 pts
Alex Smith, 5.4 pts
Bad Alex Smith, 5.4 pts
Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Alex Smith, 5.4 pts

And the Screwy goes to Alex Smith.
He had no turnovers. You hear me? This was pure positive effort. 108 yards passing. That's it. Granted, it was the Seahawks who are tough against the pass but soft against the run. And the Chiefs have a whole lot of run in their game. But Alex Smith is just an awful, terrible human being. I mean, fantasy player. He's an awful fantasy player. He might be a nice guy. I've never met him. But he can go to hell as a fantasy quarterback.

The "Kim Kardashian Dated A Halfback 'Cause She's Got A Fullback" Award - Running Backs
Matt Asiata, 2.9 pts
Ahmad Bradshaw, 3.1 pts
Shane Vereen, 9.7 pts
Terrence West, 1.2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Terrence West.
F@*k the Browns. F@*k all the Browns. Three-headed monster, my ass. Tate had 2 carries, his longest of which went for -3 yards. Yeah, his best was minus. That's why he's gone now. Crowell got the bulk of the load, but even he fumbled and missed the double-digit fantasy mark. This situation is bad. Abort all your Browns running backs. I repeat, evacuate all your Browns. Flush 'em down the toilet. Wipe away the stain your Browns have left behind. Your Browns stink. Change your diet.

The "Aaliyah Biopic Dropped The Ball" Award - Wide Receivers
Martavis Bryant, 3.1 pts
TY Hilton, 5.4 pts
DeSean Jackson, 7.7 pts
Vincent Jackson, 7.3 pts
Greg Jennings, 1.4 pts
Eddie Royal, 6.2 pts
Mohamed Sanu, 5.3 pts
Golden Tate, 6.9 pts
Mike Wallace, 7.8 pts
Sammy Watkins, 6.5 pts
Markus Wheaton, 1.6 pts

And the Screwy goes to... all of 'em. Give it to all of 'em. ... What do you mean we can't? We can do whatever we want. These aren't real awards. ... Fine. Give it to whoever had the lowest. Congratulations Greg Jennings. You suck.
Congratulations, Greg Jennings. You suck. It deserved to be said twice. Jennings had a rib injury during the game, but according to reports, he came back. This is the second time this season that he has had one catch for four yards. That's the most interesting thing I can say about this. Markus Wheaton should've gotten the award. Honestly, if Markus didn't spell his name with a K, Wheat-on would have been long forgott-on. Martavis Bryant should've gotten the award. Wait, I already did him. Oh, no that was Markus. They're the same guy! Hilton should've gotten the award. His points are usually as high as all those hotels he built. This week's 5.4 was his lowest of the season and his first time in single digits since Week 1. But Sanu should've gotten the award. His production has dropped hard ever since A.J. "Cash Money" Green got back on the scene. Da Hit Squad subbed in Sanu for Larry Fitzgerald as game time approached. The players ended up with the exact same score. And Fitzgerald got put out of the game for a while with a bad case of the kneewreckers. So that says a lot about Sanu's crap show. Eddie Royal should've gotten the awa--You know what... I've already established that I'm of the opinion that they all should get it, so I'll spare you the rest of the diatribe.

The "Nobody In New York Knows When You're Butt Naked" Award - Tight Ends

Her blue genes only have a front pocket.

Dwayne Allen, 0 pts
Martellus Bennett, 6.9 pts
Antonio Gates, 6.2 pts
Jimmy Graham, 5.9 pts
Travis Kelce, 4.7 pts
Austin Seferian-Jenkins, 1.7 pts
Julius Thomas, 2.3 pts

And the Screwy goes to... Boy, a lot of winning fantasy teams had terrible tight end play this week. Heh heh. Tight end play. That sounds sexual. *Ahem* Be serious. The Screwy goes to the king ding on which they always swing, Jimmy Graham.
You're Jimmy Graham. Stop it! Allen and Thomas both got hurt which explains their huge lack of production. Kelce stinks and Seferian-Jenkins bathes in his leftover bath water. But Jimmy Graham, you stop it! Just stop it!

The "Obama Doesn't Kick Out Mexican Mamas" Award - Kickers
Stephen Gostkowski, 6 pts
Shayne Graham, 4 pts
Brandon McManus, 1 pt

We're making a habit of giving this thing to team winners. The Screwy goes to Brandon McManus.
Broncos, wha' happened? I know the Rams supposedly have a strong defense, but you're the Denver Peytons. One touchdown? That's it? I mean, if the offense can't cross the goal line, that's when the kicker is supposed to shine. But no. Only one point for McManus. Pssh. More like Mc-Anus.

The "Mario Williams Always Catches The Red-Eye" Award - Individual Defensive Players

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"Aw, man. I look like a Ghostbusters terror dog."

Marcell Dareus (DL), 1.5 pts
Everson Griffen (DL), 2.5 pts
Cameron Heyward (DL), pts
Jason Pierre-Paul (DL), 1 pt
Ndamukong Suh (DL), 1.5 pts
Cameron Wake (DL), 1.5 pts
Anthony Barr (LB), 3.5 pts
Lawrence Timmons (LB), 3 pts
Brent Grimes (DB), 3 pts
Leodis McKelvin (DB), 2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jason Pierre-Paul and Cameron Heyward.
A half Screwy for each of them. JPP pee-peed all in the bed. Heyward was more like Haywood Jablomey. They were so pitiful, they don't even get their own award.

The "Stop Hitting Yourself, Lance Stephens, Stop Hitting Yourself" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Denver Broncos, 6 pts
Cleveland Browns, 4 pts
Detroit Lions, 6 pts
New Orleans Saints, 2 pts
Seattle Seahawks, 6 pts

And the Screwy goes to the New Orleans Saints.
Saints D, you've been good for 10 a game over your last five. Now you wanna lay up 2 against the Bengals? You realize, Andy Dalton had less than 0 the week before, right?

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Your a-hole fans created more turnovers

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Cam Newton, 25.6 pts for short sheeting Showtime
Eddie Lacy, 24.9 pts for showing up Showtime
Kelvin Benjamin, 25.9 pts for shocking Showtime
Green Bay Packers, 31 pts for sharking Showtime
Russell Wilson, 28 pts for dubbing Dub, Pope
Le'Veon Bell, 29.2 pts for drubbing Dub, Pope
Jeremy Maclin, 24. 3 pts for dubstepping Dub, Pope
Ryan Tannehill, 25.6 pts for big macking Mac Attack
Peyton Manning, 21.4 pts for ransacking The Rated-R Superstars
Emmanuel Sanders, 21.2 pts for unrating The Rated-R Superstars
Andrew Luck, 26.6 pts for surviving Survivors
Jamaal Charles, 28.8 pts for supplanting Survivors
Antonio Brown, 24.1 pts for calling off the search party on Survivors
Randall Cobb, 22.9 pts for lightening Black

And the Screwy goes to Le'Veon Bell.
With 204 rushing yards, Bell delivered a Monday night miracle for Madden Returns who was down 19.7 after Sunday night. That is some fantasy bastardism for real. Shout out to Packers D for doing the damn thang, too. Highest scoring fantasy bastard on Team Pefection, the league leader in fantasy bastards this week.

The "Spend A 30-Day Cruise On The Toilet" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Michael Crabtree, 17.5 pts
Michael Floyd, 19.4 pts
Ryan Mallett, 20.5 pts
Jordan Matthews, 21.5 pts
Jay Cutler, 32.6 pts
Mike Evans, 39.9 pts
Mark Sanchez, 23.3 pts
Roddy White, 21.5 pts
Matt Ryan, 19.8 pts
Colin Kaepernick, 18 pts

Honorable Mention: Andy Dalton, 30.2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Mike Evans.
Well, this is a predicament. As the first rookie wide receiver to ever post 3 straight games with at least 7 catches, 100 yards, and 1 touchdown, Evans is obviously ballin' outta control. But who does Krush Groove (that's me) start him over? Antonio Brown? No way. TY Hilton? You wanna take that chance? Marshawn Lynch? You mean 4 touchdown Beast Mode Lynch? Jamaal Charles? Don't even. I'm just going to have to petition the Buccaneers to move Evans to tight end.

Well, it's time to roll up the red carpet and funnel the untouched champagne back into bottles. That's all from the 20th Ever Screwy Awards!

Only 2 conference matchups this week. Everything else is inter-conference, so seeding may not change much. With less than a point separating them, a Team Perfection (6-5) win over Da Hit Squad (7-4) this week would send Perfection leapfrogging over the team of survivors. In the other conference battle which is in the other conference, no longer last place Gridy (2-9) tries to continue his winning streak against Dub, Pope (5-6) who may be out of conference crown contention but still needs to fight to hold on to his playoff spot.

Only Madden Curse (7-3) can overtake Gladiators (8-3) for the Vertical Conference prize. This would be the week for Madds to make his move as he takes on last place BLacK2 (2-9) while Glads has to contend with 5th place G O O D G A W D (6-5).

Two teams just below the playoff cutoff square off to see which one will be out of the playoffs for good. Showtime (4-7) and Ol School (4-7) each need to win out and pray for Light It Up or Dub, Pope to lose out in order to get the 8th seed. Light It Up (5-6) seems like the optimum candidate as he battles Pope in the last week of the season and faces uncontestable Horizontal Conference champion The Joker Beast (10-1) this week.

Whew! This week was so jam-packed I didn't even have time to mention Adrian Peterson's ol' sorry ass. Sorry ass, Kim K, painted-on jeans, poop cruises... This was a big week for butts.

~That Throwback Mofo~

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