That Bearded Mofo

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Defining Moments

Published Tue Sep 23, 2014 9:20pm PST

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Our season of tenmories continues. That's ten seasons of memories in case my mishmash wasn't clear enough for you. ARMAGEDDON coach Anton remembers all the way back to his first draft in Gateway, which was the first draft of Gateway. He picked Michael Vick with the number one overall pick...and everyone laughed at him. Since then he's come a long way, being the overwhelming favorite to win the league on two separate occasions, only to find himself out in the first round. That's fantasy football. Those heartbreaks are what make it so memorable. Three Super Bowl appearances and a championship win don't hurt either. Thank you for sharing, Anton.

In Week 3, the NFL stood for the National Fightball League as Philly and Washington threw hands over a vicious, but legal, hit on QB Nick Foles and Rams TE Jared Cook got all shovin' buddies with his QB Austin Davis. Maybe it should be the NBQL: National Bash Quarterbacks League.

Or the NPYRQFL: National Play Your Rookie Quarterbacks Finally League. Bridgewater got in for the Vikings after Cassel cracked his foot. And after telling the world all offseason that Blake Bortles would essentially "redshirt" his rookie season, the Jaguars let him have the reins because they were, to put it technically, hobo trash.

Speaking of technical lingo, I think it's about that time again for me to jumpstart your football jargon. Here are another 7 definitions of the football terminology.

Definition: A foul that occurs when any part of a player's body is beyond his line of scrimmage when the ball is snapped.
In a sentence: Somebody needs to smack Jameis Winston offside the head for continually putting himself in a negative spotlight.
Report: "What Did Jameis Winston Say To Get Himself Suspended? (NSFW)"

Definition: The area behind the line of scrimmage.
In a sentence: I must've made a wrong move on the dance floor because now my backfield funny.
Or: Sir Mix-A-Lot doesn't care about the woman with three breasts unless she's got three in the backfield.
Report: "Jasmine Tridevil's Three Breasts Probably A Hoax"

I have a boob for every year of sitting on the couch all Sunday eating Cheetos and watching my fantasy players. No complaints.

Free Agent
Definition: A player whose contract with a team has ended and who is now eligible to sign a contract with another team.
In a sentence: Anyone know where I can get a free Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 1 box set?
Combo: On the offside you like my backfield, I am a free agent, ladies. *wink*

I think the 10-boob remark might have killed that before I got out the gate.

Definition: When the quarterback throws the ball at the ground immediately after the snap in order to stop the clock; also, when a player throws the ball at the ground to celebrate a touchdown.
In a sentence: That Alaskan news reporter is hoping for a spike in her sticky icky sales after her f-bomb on-air resignation.
Report: "TV Reporter Quits On Air To Run Marijuana Business"

Definition: In fantasy football, as an alternative or in addition to using team defenses, teams draft individual defensive players such as linebackers and are awarded points for the player stats such as sacks, tackles, and interceptions.
In a sentence: I started to doubt the credentials of my urologist when he screamed out, "IDP pee expert, ya heard me?!"

Bye Week
Definition: In a 17-week regulation season, the week in which a given team does not play one of its 16 regular season games.
In a sentence: Detroit linebacker Stephen Tulloch said bye bye week, wimpy knee ligament during his discount double check mock dance.
Report: "Lions Tulloch tears ACL during sack celebration"

Previous Spot
Definition: Where the ball was snapped to begin the last play.
In a sentence: We were finally leaving the Middle East after battling al Qaeda, now ISIS has us going right back to the previous spot.

Too topical? That's not a real complaint, but here's another one anyway.

Combo: My previous spot was a cramped little place on the offside of town where the week-bye-week spike in crime made me search for a hassle-free agent who could find me something nicer with a bigger backfield. ... Also, IDP.

And IDP-ly hope you learned something from these explanations of footballeration.

If you're like me, you're already crying over the first bye week rearing its hideous head. That means no Marshawn Lynch this week.

No Seahawks D.

No Russell Wilson or Demaryius Thomas.

No Julius Thomas.

No Peyton Manning or Emmanuel Sanders.

No Zac Stacy.

No Giovani Bernard.

No A.J. Green or Brandon Marshall or Percy Harvi--damn, ARMAGEDDON, you go'n be alright?!

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Cam's fashion sense needs a bye week.

Good luck to everyone who's not hatin' this weekend. And pray for game time decisions. I mean, pray for all the Jamaal Charles owners out there who will probably face a game time decision for a Monday night game.

Look, I'm not being very veiled here. I'm saying root for me--GTD--to beat Gate Hatin' Ways this week. Sorry I had to spell it out for you, but I'm in a defining mood.

~That Explanatory Mofo~

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