That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Sep 16, 2014 8:30pm PST

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In a quick recap of Week 2 in the Gateway League, we've got an even three-way mix of undefeated, even, and winless teams. STLiens dropped one spot in the power rankings making way for ARMAGEDDON on top even though both won. Meanwhile, the other 10 of us took a major jumble. Week 2 was doo doo. Like the NFL's reputation right now.

I would take you on a trip to the past, but I still haven't received any of your memorable fantasy football moments to share. I'll just assume you're trying to get all the details down perfectly, because I know none of you are shy.

Back to the future of the NFL, which does not look bright. The NFL is taking a hit from its players acting a fool. The Vikings made a good faith effort by deactivating Adrian Peterson for beating his kid, but they did it expecting it would all blow over after one game. Nope. New old incidents sprang up. Guh... *collar tug*

You know who else is taking a hit from its players? You. And me. It's that time again. The time where we call out those giants of pliant, the sultans of subpar. Yes, it's time for the 1.21 Gigawatt Annual Screwy Awards! Let's do some therapy by giving trophies to the troublesome. Up first are our putrid passers.

The "Robert Griffin III Porcelain Doll" Award - Quarterbacks
Ben Roethlisberger, 8.8 pts
Tom Brady, 13.4 pts
Matt Ryan, 14.3 pts
Tony Romo 14.8 pts

And the Screwy goes to Ben Roethlisberger.
Eww. I gotta put on a hoodie and sunglasses because I don't even want anybody to catch me looking at such a disgusting score. My fingers feel dirty typing the numbers. 8.8. Ugh. It's like bile in my throat just saying it.

This next award has never been won by an African-American tight end. Here are the nominees for running back.

The "Ray Rice Gotsta Go Situation" Award - Running Backs
Shonn Greene, 4 pts
Fred Jackson, 6.1 pts
Eddie Lacy, 7.1 pts
Pierre Thomas, 4.7 pts
Jamaal Charles, 1.7 pts
Knowshon Moreno, 0.4 pts
Chris Johnson, 2.6 pts
Shane Vereen, 4.5 pts
Matt Forte, 6.1 pts

And the Screwy goes to... Oooh there's a lot of good choices here. But for this category, in this week, bigger is better. Or worser as the case may be. Screwy goes to Eddie Lacy.
Knowshon got hurt. Jamaal got hurt. I could run the gamut of excuses why the awards committee passed over all the other low-scoring candidates, but the simple reason why Lacy gets the trophy is because he sucks. Across the board, fantasy experts had him ranked as a definitive top-6 draft pick. Across the board, I said! And Green Bay won't even run the damn ball. Run the damn ball!! The hopes of all those Lacy fantasy football owners are flying away on the wings of a DeLorean.

Up next is an award that can be spelled the same forward and backward if you misspell it.

The "Nikki Minaj/Wide Receiver/Anaconda, There's A Joke In There Somewhere" Award - Wide Receivers
Pierre Garcon, 2.2 pts
A.J. Green, 0 pts
Michael Floyd, 2.9 pts
Kelvin Benjamin, 6.6 pts
Kendall Wright, 6.1 pts
DeSean Jackson, 2.9 pts
Anquan Boldin, 5.4 pts
Reggie Wayne, 5.8 pts

And the Screwy goes to Pierre Garcon.
Pierre didn't see a pass come his way until less than a minute left in the first half. He didn't catch one until late in the third quarter. And just like Keyser Soze-- POOF! He was gone. Never to be seen again. Except by frustrated fantasy owners waiting outside the locker room.

Before we move on to the next award, I'd like to finish this sentence.

The "Cameron Jord--I mean, Jordan Cameron" Award - Tight Ends
Rob Gronkowski, 7.2 pts
Vernon Davis, 6.9 pts
Jason Witten, 7.2 pts
Levine Toilolo, 3.3 pts
Dwayne Allen, 0 pts

And the Screwy goes to Levine Toiletpaper.
Oh, this was awful. This Levine RoloYolo fella got double digits in Week 1 and pulled a big 'ol "psyche!" in Week 2. What hurts so so so so so so much about Toblerone's performance is he was started over Antonio "I Ain't Dead Yet" Gates who had 3 TDs and more points than the Devil's pitchfork. You say, "But BM, Allen didn't have a single catch." And I say, "Don't ever call me BM." I also say, "Toilosolomiowhenthemoonhitsyoureyelikeabigpizzapiethat'samore is the worst kind of fantasy player: the nobody that makes you doubt your true starter."

These next nominees are going to file a class action lawsuit against the NFL for toe contusions.

The "Robin Thicke Does Not Give A F**k" Award - Kickers
Steven Hauschka, 3 pts
Mike Nugent, 4 pts
Brandon McManus, 6 pts
Blair Walsh, 1 pt
Caleb Sturgis, 4 pts

And the Screwy goes to Caleb Sturgis.
Caleb Sturgis? Is he a Biblical-era fishman? I could spend more time dissing his name and his performance, but why?

The qualifications to be nominated for this next award have changed from previous seasons. With IDP players now earning more points, a 4-point outing is no longer a Screwy-free guarantee. Unless there are a whooole lot of other really really really bad options.

The "The Jordan Camer--I mean, Cameron Jordan" Award - Individual Defensive Player
Muhammad Wilkerson (DL), 0 pts
Robert Quinn (DL), 2.5 pts
Cameron Wake (DL), 0.5 pts
J.J. Watt (DL), 0 pts
Justin Tuck (DL), 2.5 pts
Gerald McCoy (DL), 0 pts
Greg Hardy (DL), tosses women on a pile of gun pts
Mason Foster (LB), 2 pts
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (DB), 1.5 pts
Eric Berry (DB), 0 pts

And the Screwy goes to... Let's see. One, two, three, four zeros. Four of these players did literally nothing. Five if you include the deactivated Hardy. And Wake just missed the group with a single assist. He must have accidentally fallen onto somebody. Hmm... Who to give it to? It's hard to resist Clinton-Dix. Just ask Lewinski. Hey yo! But he balled compared to these other stinkers. Going into the afternoon games, I had an idea who would win it. And after reviewing the names, the ruling on the field stands. It is a J.J. Watt.

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How you gonna get a touchdown on offense and do jack sh*t the rest of the game on defense?! That's bullsh*t. All of that is bullsh*t!

J.J. Watt: Hey, GameTime...

Me: Yeah?

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Most people get a little defensive over the next category.

The "Whatchu Gonna Do About A Bear In Your Pool?" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Broncos, 5 pts
Saints, 6 pts
Seahawks, 5 pts

And the Screwy goes to the Seeyoulaterhawks.
As in say "see you later" to all the points this defense should have had. It's the Seahawks. The team that got a safety on the Denver Peytons on the first play of the Super Bowl. They can't muster more than a nickel on the Chargers?

So? What's your answer?

And now, the award that hurts the most, except for all the others which hurt just as much: that master bastard.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Patriots, 27 pts for backhoeing The Black & The Goaled
Arian Foster, 22 pts for vandalizing B.F. Vandal Savages
Cardinals, 22 pts for buttf**king B.F. Vandal Savages
Julio Jones, 21.8 pts for basketweaving B.F. Vandal Savages
Nick Foles, 22.7 pts for befriending and defriending B.F. Vandal Savages
Dez Bryant, 26.3 pts for a la peanut butter sandwiching Allstate Mayhem
Jimmy Graham, 33.8 pts for Jimmy Grahaming GameTime Decision
Giovani Bernard, 25.4 pts for gaming GameTime Decision
Peyton Manning, 30.1 pts for detonating Detox
Aaron Rodgers, 39.1 pts for hatin' on Gate Hatin' Ways
Jordy Nelson, 35.9 pts for fading Gate Hatin' Ways

And the Screwy goes to Jordy Nelson.
This came out of nowhere just like Nelson's 80-yard touchdown. Graham didn't have a single catch in the first half but ended up with 2 TDs and 30-plus points which pissed me off to no end, but that could be expected. Peyton Manning starts each week with 30 points, so the award is his until someone takes it. Aaron Rodgers would have taken it with nearly 40 points, but it's more impressive--and painful--that he helped his receiver do what he did.

And finally, we have the award that does hurt the most, because you did it to yourself.

The "Kanye West Won't Let You Sit" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Alfred Morris, 20.5 pts
James Jones, 24.2 pts
Brandon Marshall, 27.8 pts
Philip Rivers, 33.9 pts
Jay Cutler, 35.3 pts
Antonio Gates, 34.6 pts
Delanie Walker, 30.2 pts
Darren Sproles, 27.3 pts
Michael Crabtree, 21.2 pts

And the Screwy goes to Antonio Gates.
STLiens didn't need Rivers, Sproles, or Morris to win, but, with the rest of his bench, they outscored two starting teams this week. In fact, most of the teams with big-timing bench players this week won their games anyway. As mentioned before, after Gates got snubbed by fantasy analysts all offseason, he got snubbed by Gate Hatin' this week because he was facing the expectedly daunting Seahawks D. But, as mentioned before, that D was dead, and Gates showed he was alive. He'll probably never get another touchdown again. Nope. That was it. All dried up. Gone. The end. Enjoy it while it lasted, everyone. Just missed it. Damn.

Well, it's time to down that last glass of champagne and hit up that Uber app. That's all from the 88 MPH Annual Screwy Awards!

With all the Week 2 injuries, there are still a lot of questions in the air for Week 3. Jamaal Charles has gotta get back in time for me to win this weekend. ARMAGEDDON hasn't needed A.J. Green, but I'm sure he'd love to have him in the lineup. And if The Black & The Goaled has to deal with one more IDP injury, he's gonna open up his own sports clinic.

Good luck to everybody this week except for them Vandals.

~That OUTATIME Mofo~

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