That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Sep 9, 2014 9:10pm PST

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We've all seen it by now.

Everywhere you turn, every media outlet is talking about it.

"What's going through his head?"
"It's sending the wrong message."
"How will this affect football?"

We've been inundated with thoughts on this disturbing and tragic event.

Of course, I'm talking about this:

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Is this real life?

STLiens at the top of the dog pile??? After an almost 42-point game from QB Matt Ryan, you betcha. Go ahead and gloat and strut, STLiens. You deserve it.

Three of the four teams that missed last season's playoffs found victory in Week 1, though it would have only been two if Savage Life and Allstate Mayhem hadn't played each other. They had the two lowest scores of opening weekend.

On the other end of the point spectrum, four Gateway teams cracked 145, including STLiens' victim, Superbowl defender RAC ON RAC ON RACKS. Sorry, RACKS. I know your pain. I spent week after week the last couple of seasons saying, "If I had played against almost anyone else..."

But I'm not saying that this week! Woo hoo! I'm 1-0 for the first time since 2011.

Quick off-week Screwy shout outs to Eddie Lacy, Doug Martin, Jamaal Charles, Zac Stacy, Frank Gore, Tony Romo, and Jason Witten. All ya mamas. All of 'em.

Congratulations to all of the winners. And to all of the losers, it's just one game. You'll get 'em next week. Speaking of which, here are my picks on who will get 'em next week in the NFL and my reasons why.

Because Antonio Brown ain't got time for your face. Even if it means a 103-yard penalty.

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Because Arizona wants to know if you like to get wet?

Because we finally know who Jack the Ripper was. And he must be brought to justice!

NE def MIN
Because Guardians of the Galaxy is the best Marvel movie of all time.

Because I am Groot.

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Translation: See the movie.

TB def STL
Because Rams are Groot.

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Translation: Rams QBs get planted like trees.

Because in one of her books, Joan Rivers wrote that she wanted her funeral to be a big Hollywood production with "a wind machine so that even in the casket [her] hair is blowing just like Beyoncé's." Joan Rivers died on Beyoncé's birthday.

Because Detroit is Motown, Motown is music, and Panthers can't handle the music.

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Because Atlanta Hawks owner Bruce Levenson saw Donald Sterling's big racist payday and said, "I'ma get rich, beeyitch!"

NO def CLE
Because the iPhone 6 Plus is basically an iPad Mini.

SEA def SD
Because the Seahawks are unbeatable. There's no joke here. They're no joke here.

Because the Raiders are playing fútbol, not football.

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GB def NYJ
Because live-action DuckTales intro.

DEN def KC
Because live-action Denver the Last Dinosaur intr--nah, I'm just kidding. The internet hasn't made that.


SF def CHI
Because Mel Brooks has eleven fingers. What? No he doesn't!

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Yes he does.
No he doesn't.

Because LeSean McCoy left a 20 cent tip on a $61 bill. My question is not "Why?" My question is "Why 20?" Why not nothing? I guess because leaving nothing could be mistaken for he simply overlooked it or he never tips. But no. He went out of his way to say that that service wasn't even worth 15 minutes on a parking meter.

Well, I guess I should wrap this up before Commissioner Goodell and the entire NFL front office resigns, which will probably be any moment now. For real though, their handling of this Ray Rice punishment/tape procurement situation went worse than Edward Scissorhands conducting a prostate exam.

Good luck to everyone next week. Except for STLiens. I'm sorry. My team's gotta knock you down a peg. There's just too much media coverage.

~That Graphics Interchange Formatting Mofo~

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