That Bearded Mofo

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It's Fitting, Isn't It?

Published Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:40pm PST

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It's not panic time. Not yet.

The Bills have benched EJ for Orton, like that's better. Meanwhile, some desperately want to give Geno the hook for Vick in New York. In Oakland, head coach Dennis Allen got fired...out of a cannon. The Saints ain't. The Patriots didn't die for their country; they just died. And all those critics who said Kirk Cousins should have been starting over RG3 got a big dirty spoonful of reality last Thursday. He crapped the bed, the pillows, and the linen drawer. But these teams have to know it's not panic time.

Not yet.

Down to 0-4 after a 10-point loss, B.F. Vandal Savages has begun offering up half his starting lineup for draft picks. I understand the frustration. See my tirade exactly 52 weeks ago today. But it's not panic time.

Not yet.

After having three straight opponents go for over 150 on him, Gate Hatin' Ways is hoping to reverse the curse by reverting back to Black Francis Soyer. Sounds silly, but, believe you me: there's voodoo in the name you choose. I once named my team iBad and I was. But it's not panic time.

Not yet.

The Black & The Goaled finds himself at 1-3 coming off a hard-to-stomach .4-point loss this weekend. Yes, that's a decimal point there. Garcon ain't been doin' nothin' and Black & Goaled's opponent's defense got negative points--minus three!--and B&G's kicker should've gotten another extra point at the end of Sunday Night Football, but... But, but, but, but, it all sucks butt. But it's not panic time.

Not yet.

That's next week.

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"One more week and I quit."

Usually, when a team scores an absurd amount of points, I shout them out in my article. But it would be weird to congratulate myself.

But I'm weird, so let's do it. The 200-point barrier has finally been broken, ladies and gentlemen. GameTime Decision chalked up 206.6 with the last minute Monday night tandem of RB Jamaal Charles and TE Travis Kelce combining for 53.3. Thanks to the increase in value of IDP scoring, I'm sure we'll be seeing teams go over 200 a couple times each season from now on.

But I was first! Meeeeeeeee...


We have four division matchups in Gateway this week. Let's see who's on bye. ... Dolphins and Raiders? So no one is missing anyone on their roster. That means Week 5 should be a good one.

Okay, everybody. It's time to link arms for another foray into the association game. You remember how this works, right? Let's start with a for instance. Rumor has it that former New York Giants defensive end and current all-around media faceman Michael Strahan will appear in male stripper sequel Magic Mike 2. How likely is this scenario?

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Strahan > Pimp han' > Money Mike > Magic Mike

Only took 3 connections to prove we'll be seeing a side of Strahan that we never wanted to see. And, as always, the fewer the connections, the more veracity it holds. Let's get started for real.

Association 1
One-week fantasy football league sites like are becoming very popular. But residents in Iowa are prohibited from cashing in on their fantasy studs because gambling is a no-no in the I-O. Could something as exciting and hateful and fun and horrible as fantasy football really be bad?

Fantasy football > Fanatics > New York Jets' Fireman Ed > Fire Marshall Bill > Jim Carrey > Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls > "Shikaka" > Chicago > Bulls > Scottie > Scottish > Craig Ferguson > Ferguson Police Chief > Foul > Illegal

With two touchdowns worth of links, it looks like fantasy can make you public enemy number one.

Association 2
On Sunday, the Family Guy season premiere featured a crossover with The Simpsons. The episode takes jabs at The Simpsons for not being nearly as good as it once was. But the main shots fired are at Family Guy for being a blatant rip off of The Simpsons. Rip off? Is it possible that Peter Griffin is just a pale imitation of Homer Simpson?

The Simpsons > O.J. Simpson > White Bronco > Peyton Manning > Peyton Place > Park Place > Monopoly > B & O > Body odor > Body double > Twinsies! > Sister, Sister > Sister Sledge > "We Are Family" > Family Guy

Another 14 junctions says, "It seems today... that all you see... are copycats of Homer and Bart on TV. But where are those good old fashioned laughs The Simpsons used to provide? Lucky there's the Family Guy. Lucky there's perverted, milk-through-noses squirted, Simpsons-copied jokes so we can laugh and cry. It's... The... Simp... sons... Guyyy!"

Association 3
By the 2-minute warning of the first half of Sunday's Texans-Bills game, Arian Foster had amassed 1 total yard rushing. On 6 carries. That's an average of 6 inches per carry. And he led the team. I'll repeat: Halfway into their home game, the Houston Texans had 1 yard of rushing offense. Is this possible?

Texans > J.R. Ewing > Patrick Ewing > Ashy > To classy > "B-I-G P-O-P-P-A! No info for the D-E-A" > ATF > FBI > CIA > MIA > Miami Heat > "Too hot to handle, too cold to hold. You call the Ghostbusters and they're in control." > Ghostbuster > Dustbuster > Gut buster > Buster Keaton > Michael Keaton > Alex P. Keaton > Family Ties > Family reunion > Three-legged race > Three feet running

21 connections? That's a little long. We know it happened, so maybe there's a shorter route.

Houston > "We have a problem." > "99 Problems" > Jay-Z > A to Z > ABC > Do you see what I see? > I Spy > Harriet the Spy > Harriet Tubman > Underground Railroad > Subway > Six-inch sub > Six-inch rushing average

13 is much shorter and much more convincing. But surely we can get there faster.

Arian Foster > Foster Farms Chicken > Chicken head > Sucks d--

Okay! That's... Yep. We got there.

Association 4
So, word is we've gotten our first case of the Ebola virus reported in the U.S. and--HOLY CRAP! Ebola is here?!? There's no way Ebola could get here, right? Tell me Ebola is not here. It's not here, right???

United States > No gun control > Hunting rifle > Wabbit season! > Duck season! > Daffy Duck > "You're dessspicable." > Despicable Me > "Sprinkle Me" > E-40 > Ebola

Oh crap. Only 10 connections... We're all gonna die.

Holy crappin' crap.

This is where the game ends. Except for one last one.

Association 5
Big division game between Hitmen and yours truly this week. Who's gonna come out on top?

Victor > Duel > Dual > Same time > GameTime

Looks like that Decision has been made.

~That Two Hundy Six Mofo~

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