That Bearded Mofo



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BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2014: ROUND TWO

Published Thu Dec 11, 2014 12:01am PST

image shaved off

Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 11, 2014

Curses were made to be broken.

I'm not out of this jungle yet. I may be the first number one to move on to number two since 2011, but it's rough out there. All the other upper seeds... We lost 'em.

They're gone. They're all gone.

Black Francis--he was the radio man. They found him unconscious, non-responsive. His arm full of Herron. Dan Herron. When I look back on this in a couple years, I'll have no idea who that is. So, future me, Herron was a backup running back that the Colts resorted to because Ahmad Bradshaw got hurt and Trent Richardson is a joke. Back to Francis: They also found Brees marks on the body. Drew Brees marks. He was terrible.

Not as terrible as Peyton. Ah, RACKS--the bomb specialist. Done in by his Manning device. Peyton Manning device, as I alluded to before. None of RACKS' other machine parts helped him either. But when the Manning device failed... BOOM. I'm still finding pieces of him in my beard. It was awful to watch.

Then there was Black and Goaled--the sergeant. We called him Sarge. He was like a brother to me. Because he's literally a brother to me. Mauled to death by a pack of Bengals. The Cincinnati Bengals. I didn't know it was possible to end up with less than -2. But, by God, they got to -5 didn't they? I pour out a pack of smokes in honor of dear old Sarge.

But I move on. There's more fight to be fought. More war to be waged.

More curse to be broken.

...

*fingers crossed* Please oh please oh please oh pleeeease don't curse me! I'm a weak man. I'll do whatever you wan--

Oops. You weren't supposed to read that.

Backspace, backspace, backspace, backspace...


TALE OF THE TAPE

GameTime Decision (13-1) vs Allstate Mayhem (8-6)

In their Week 8 faceoff, GameTime outscored Allstate 177.4 to 104.2. Coming into this week's rematch, GameTime's roster doesn't change a letter, except maybe at DB. Meanwhile, Allstate looks to sport a completely different roster for this Week 15 matchup. Some point after that first meet, Mr. Mayhem wheeled and dealed for Superfly Jimmy Graham, the studliest of tight ends who still manages to average 14.58 despite scoring less than 6 fantasy points in 5 different games this season. While Cam Newton was sometimey during the season, his 43.6-point shocker last week against the Saints rolled Allstate into the second round of the playoffs. Unfortunately, that's not the only thing Cam rolled this week. Newton's car accident and backup Brian Hoyer's benching to make way for Johnny Manziel leaves Allstate scrambling in the pocket for a QB resolution. Add RB Eddie Lacy's questionable status and it looks like things got bad in a hurry for Mayhem. In the other locker room, things always seem to start off bad in a hurry for GameTime Decision. Despite finishing with 191.5 last week, GTD's players racked up 4 fumbles and 2 interceptions. Andrew Luck has committed two or more turnovers in all but five games this season and has only had two games where he has been clean. That being said, how 'bout that Andrew Luck, huh? Indy's QB has scored less than 25 only once this season. GameTime has scored less than 140 only twice this season and has hit the 190 mark three times since battling Allstate. It's been a miraculous season for GTD who rides a 12-game winning streak. Body aches and pains for Marshawn Lynch and Jamaal Charles threaten to derail GameTime's gravy train, but the feats of Antonio Brown and T Y Hilton continue to astound everyone--even That Team-Owning Mofo.

Advantages

Win Pct: GameTime Decision (.929)

Win Streak: GameTime Decision (12)

Points Avg: GameTime Decision (164.0)

Biggest Win: GameTime Decision (206.6, Wk 4)

Lowest Loss: GameTime Decision (Allstate Mayhem's 91.2, Wk 6)

Heavy Hitter: GameTime Decision (Andrew Luck)

Albatross: Allstate Mayhem (GameTime Decision's Travis Kelce)

Advantage 6-1, GameTime Decision


Hitmen (9-5) vs Da,Pope (8-6)

It's been 11 weeks since these two last faced off. Hitmen lost that battle with a measly 88.3, his lowest output of the season. It was a lucky victory for Pope as his team full of monsters weren't so monster, leaving middling tight end Heath Miller as the team's high scorer. But we're long gone from the days where starting Kirk Cousins over Tom Brady was a winning decision and Calvin Johnson gets outscored by DeAngelo Williams. After averaging only 105.8 through his first five games, Hitmen has poured it on lately, averaging 131.9 in the last five of the regular season. The turnaround can be attributed to Johnson's resurgence. Calvin got a job! Gronk's not too shabby either; he's been nailing it all season. But the rest of the hit squad, ehhhh... Kaepernick led the team in scoring almost every game for the first half of the season, but Hitmen and the 49ers haven't been able to rely on him at all lately. Fitzgerald has been hurt. And Texan Andre Johnson has fewer TD catches than his defensive teammate J.J. Watt. Da,Pope surged on the latter half of the season as well. He's had scores of 175.6 and 153.4 in his last five games, partially thanks to Broncos back C.J. Anderson who took over for Ronnie Hillman who took over for Montee Ball who's never getting that job back. Pope lost Brandon Marshall for the rest of the season as he left last Thursday night's game in an amberlamps, I mean ambulance. It's a shock, but nothing new for Pope. His roster is so full of broken players, he should change his team name to Day-To-Day. This matchup is a tight one right now, but if Pope finally gets Julius Thomas back this week, it could break wide open.

Advantages

Win Pct: Hitmen (.643)

Win Streak: Da,Pope (3)

Points Avg: Da,Pope (129.6)

Biggest Win: Da,Pope (175.6, Wk 10)

Lowest Loss: Da,Pope (Hitmen's 88.3, Wk 4)

Heavy Hitter: Da,Pope (Tom Brady)

Albatross: Hitmen (Da,Pope's Heath Miller)

Advantage 5-2, Da,Pope


Good luck to almost all competitors.

Next Week: The last week.

~That Fingers-crossing Mofo~



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