That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Dec 02, 2014 09:00pm PST

image shaved off

Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Tuesday, December 2, 2014

War. Hmph. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely noth--wait a minute.

Sorry. Didn't mean to just jot down song lyrics. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

In the jungle. The mighty jungle. The lion sleeps tonight.

I did it again, didn't I? I just did it again, didn't I?

The fallen deserve a better tribute than this. B.F. Vandal Savages and Detox were goners a long time ago. STLiens and Savage Life haven't been rotting as long, but you could see it coming. At least they've got a good first round pick next year. Well, most of them.

Going out before the playoff fun begins sucks. I've been there. Too much recently. It's enough to make you want to drive your forehead right through a plate glass window.

Speaking of drive-through window...


Burger King (GameTime Decision 12-1) vs. McDonald's (ARMAGEDDON 5-8)
Home of the Whopper versus You Deserve a Break Today

They just met! They just met two weeks ago when GameTime flame-broiled ARMAGEDDON 144 to 108.7. That was GTD's lowest score since Week 7. At 11 straight, GameTime is on the longest winning streak in Gateway history and he'll have to make it stretch longer than an Enormous Omelet Sandwich to win it all. It's a great run just begging to be upended by the league's first 5-win playoff team since we expanded to twelve. QB Stafford has had a McFlurry of poor performances for 'GEDDON this season but is coming off a 30-point game. Along with receivers Jeffery and standout rookie Odell Beckham Jr., it's a wonder ARMAGEDDON has found himself in a pickle over the last 6 weeks. The obvious money is on GTD and his ridiculously stacked roster where the bench riders average 15. Will GameTime Decision have it his way? Or will ARMAGEDDON be shouting "I'm lovin' it!"?

Season Points Avg: GameTime Decision - 161.9 vs 124.8 - ARMAGEDDON

Order Up! Antonio Brown Big Kings Big Mac's Beckham Jr. while Andrew Luck Triple Whoppers him right in the McNuggets. GameTime Decision wins.

Ed. Note: At great risk of jinxing myself, I chose to make this pick as if I were not personally involved. I really wanted to pick against myself. But c'mon. Look at those point averages. If I was betting a thousand dollars, who would I really pick?

KFC (The Black & the Goaled 9-4) vs. Jack In The Box (Allstate Mayhem 7-6)
Finger Lickin' Good versus We Don't Make It Until You Order It

Much like their fast food counterparts, these teams have nothing in common. Naturally, higher seed Black & Goaled beat lower seed Allstate when they faced off a little over half a season ago. Back then, Mayhem was a losing machine, but he turned it around, winning 5 of his last 7 to curly fry his way up into the playoffs. Monster Taco pothead Josh Gordon has returned to the ranks joining Murray and Graham who are the Ultimates -- Breakfast Sandwich and Bacon Cheeseburger. Of course, Graham had a no-show in Week 13 which is why Allstate sits in 7th place now. Goaled has been no slouch of his own, having only lost 1 game in his last 9 thanks to a Famous Bowl mix of Le'Veon, Maclin, Thomas, and Tate. Will Colonel Black & Goaled double down on his winning ways? Or will CEO Mayhem Jumbo Jack him for all he's got?

Season Points Avg: The Black & the Goaled - 138.6 vs 119.4 - Allstate Mayhem

Order Up! The Black & the Goaled's 11 herbs and spices deep fry Allstate 'til he's extra crispy and cornhole him like an antenna ball. The Black & the Goaled wins.

Dairy Queen (RAC ON RAC ON RACKS 8-5) vs. White Castle (Da,Pope 7-6)
Do Something Different versus What You Crave

The only Vertical Conference matchup on the docket pits two teams who last faced off in Week 9. RACKS posted his season high in that matchup when he Buster Barred Da,Pope with 165.1 points. Only 1 of RAC ON RAC's 5 losses has come when an opponent scored below 154 and Pope's highest score of the season was last week's 153.4. On first glance, that sounds like RRR's got Da,Pope down cold with a curlicue on top. But, hold the pickles! Pope spent the entire season unable to get above .500, but a surge in talent from the likes of Broncos back C.J. Anderson has gotten him square as a burger. Meanwhile, between Ellington and Gore, RACKS' running game has been looser than a chicken strip basket. Can Da,Pope slider into Round 2 of the playoffs? Or Will RAC ON RAC ON RACKS freeze him out in a Blizzard?

Season Points Avg: RAC ON RAC ON RACKS - 138.5 vs 130.2 - Da,Pope

Order Up! RACKS' Peyton Manning Arctic Rushes Pope's Brady but Marshall and Dez crinkle-cut fry Sanders, Keenan, and DeSean. A little surprise poot-n-toot from Julius Thomas seals the deal. Da,Pope wins.

Taco Bell (Black Francis Soyer 8-5) vs. Wendy's (Hitmen 8-5)
Live Más versus Where's The Beef?

Just like the other conference battle in these playoffs, these two Horizontal Conference teams last met five weeks ago. It was Soyer's last loss of the season and he's gone on a tear averaging 151.5 since. Francis knows how to think outside the bun, picking up two defenses in Week 13 to go along with the one he already had; I see matchup plug-n-play ahead. The Nachos Bellgrande master of the team is still Drew Brees even though his 2014 hasn't been as breezy as usual. Hitmen is having his own QB struggles with Colin Kaepernick being his best option. It's no squad of freckle-faced, pigtailed youngsters: Calvin, Andre, and Fitzgerald have all been around the block a dozen or so times and all have spotty QBs to rely on. Soyer has the advantage in the points department, but Hitmen's Week 14 matchups look spectacular. Can Hitmen deliver a Frosty blow? Or will Black Francis Soyer make a run for the Super Bowl border?

Season Points Avg: Black Francis Soyer - 136.3 vs 123.7 - Hitmen

Order Up! Randall Cobb goes Doritos Locos Taco all over Hitmen, knocking him on his pretzel buns. But Hitmen springs back with Son of Gronkenator laying the cheese to Black Francis. But Matt Forte shows Hitmen who's the Crunchwrap Supreme being and leaves him all cinammon twisted up. Just when Hitmen's men are looking like old-fashioned hamburgers, the hot 'n juicy Johnson brothers single, double, triple stack it up against Black Francis Soyer and send him crumbling like week old taco shells. Phew! Hitmen wins.

I have no vested interest in any of these predictions (save one), so I really don't care if any of them are correct (save one). With that, I wish the best of luck to all this week's competitors (save one).

This Kitchen Received A Grade Of image shaved offearded
~That Cookin' Mofo~

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