That Bearded Mofo

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An Unlucky Number

Published Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:30pm PST

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That was close. I was this close to losing my 2014 #1 draft pick spot after winning this week. Fortunately, STLiens snapped his 8-game losing streak and won too, so I'm in the clear. For now. I know you were all worried.

Thanksgiving plops down on the table before us this Thursday, and this is when I usually do my annual thankful-themed mofo emailbag. You know, when I get mail like this:

Saint Louis from East Coast, Missouri writes,
Here's what I'm thankful for in 2013: Schoolhouse Rock. I guess they were right. I guess 3 really is the magic number. 'Cause the freakin' FBI statistics have got me named the number 3 most dangerous city in America for the number 3 year in a row. How 'bout FBI stands for "F**king Bullet Inside you, you f**kin' narco c**ts"? What? *hands back* We're good, we're good... Good to slit your throat like a Hanukkah turkey. LEMME AT THOSE SONSABITCHES!
TBM: >O_o< H'oh boy...

But the give thanks emailbag is supposed to happen in Week 12, when Thanksgiving is supposed to be. It's Week 13. Our final week. The NFL started a week early this year, which put Thanksgiving a week late. Thanksgiving is late!! And Hanukkah is a month early. Next thing you know, Christmas is going to be in February, Black History Month is going to be extinct, and we're going to have a 13th month called Fumblubenched where we're wishing everyone a Merry Stevan Ridley and a Happy Ronnie Hillman. *singing* We wish you a Stevan Ridley, we wish you a Stevan Ridley, we wish you a Stevan Ridley, and a Ronnie Hillman.

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St. Welker's Day is in the month of Blowthegamuary

Speaking of singing, it's our last week of the regular season in the Gateway Fantasy league which means it's time for my annual season wrap up rap. (You can find 2011's and 2012's raps here.) This year's rap is to the instrumental of the classic Pete Rock and CL Smooth's T.R.O.Y. (They Reminisce Over You). As always, lyrics are below in case you can't understand the words comin' outta my mouth. Plus highlighted links to the 2013 Bearded Mofo article each line references, you know, in case you've forgotten. But here's your reminder of 2013. Here's P.U.N.T. Just hit play.

Press it. It won't bite.
But it will jam.

P.U.N.T. (Players Underperform iN 'Thirteen)

[Black Francis Soyer]
Uh, uh uh, uh uh
Yeah, yeah
I gotta punt, I gotta punt, I gotta punt
yeah, uh

Uh, uh uh
I gotta punt

I gotta punt, I gotta punt, I gotta punt
yeah, yeah


[That Bearded Mofo]
I think back for a spell, or should I say reminisce
The last three months had a lot you coulda missed
Rain delay games getting common for the Ravens
NFL dipping in Ndamukong's savings

Countin' all his taps as offense, Now I would bet,
He'll pay off their concussion settlement, huh
NSA got caught spying
It was on world leaders, I don't blame 'em 'cause they're trying

Miley Cyrus, can't get by this
Wearing dead rapper dresses, stop the presses
Call Blockbuster. Oops, they're through
Little Caesars saying, "Ohh, Netflix owned you!"

No Gronkowski, Tom Brady's stinking
Rookies and the Golden Boy just not linking
No love from Edelman, won't give him five
Fifty-two game TD streak goes bye

While Peyton threw seven in a game
But so did Nick Foles, that's how it goes
Week one, NFL history parted
When nine black quarterbacks started

Last year, Matt Ryan had to go cryin' to his tight end master
Said, "Tony G, add another chapter."
Shoulda retired 'cause the Falcons are a scene
Playing ugly ball in 'Thirteen, my God

Yeah, they be punting it
And so are we
That's how we like to get down in the Twenty-thirteen
Black Francis Soyer and That Bearded Mofo comin' atcha
On that old Pete Rock joint

There was Matt Flynn, the QB lost his job before the season began
De ja vu this year in Oakland
One Cardinals player lost his dreads and another lost a finger
The tip of his glove is where it lingered

Thought the Browns were tanking by giving up on Trent
Three weeks after, they were undefeated since
Almost as shocking as the Muscle Hamster trade before the draft
Can't really say who got the last laugh

Hard to trade in Gateway; voting's kinda bad
Breaking Bad left, now I'm sad
Best ending to a series ever
Toronto's crack-smoking mayor could've only made it better

He needs Detox, a team that shined
They finally made the playoffs and it's season number nine
The same time, ARMAGEDDON so nifty
The team had trouble scoring under one-fifty

Jacoby Jones, on a party bus
Stripper smashed a bottle on his head to make him cuss
San Francisco is the city where crime doesn't pay
Batkid come to save the day

Patriots thought Aaron Hernandez was alrighty
He took a perp walk, they yelled, "Good God, almighty!"
"Free Hernandez"? Mike Pouncey gets subpeened
Prison underway in 'Thirteen, for real

Yeah, it's like that, we are for real
Comin' at you--
What year is this?
Don't you mean 'Thirteen?
I know it sounds weird, but Oh-Thirteen is wrong.
We didn't say Nine Ninety-Eight in 1998.
Let's get it together, people

We can run but we cannot hide from Richie Incognito
The story keeps repeating like a spicy bean burrito
Martin left the Dolphins, he was sick of being bullied
Didn't know both their names would get sullied

Usain Bolt says he ate a thousand chicken mcnuggets
Oakland A's got doo doo in the dugouts
Cameras caught Dez Bryant flipping out on sidelines
Matt Schaub pick six just a matter of time

Did you see Eminem, on halftime
Of college football, looking like he was a mime?
Or Kanye's video where he's riding on Kim?
We can shutdown the guv'ment, but we can't get rid of them?

I'd take a cronut, but the Jags gave booze
To quiet the boos and the Tebow news
Rodgers bet his salary that Ryan Braun was clean
Paying up in Thirteen

There you have it
Another Gateway Fantasy Football season rap
That's a wrap
A rap of a wrap on the season
P to the U to the N to the T
Players Underperform iN Thirteen, yeah
We talkin' about you Jones-Drew
And Steven Jackson
Ray Rice, what the hell happened?
Black Francis Soyer and the Bearded Mofo for Two Thousand and Thirteen
And we out like 4th down and 3
We gotta punt


I thank Black Francis Soyer again this year for providing his time and for that good dub quality from BFS Recording Studios. We got another hit record, Mar!

For the second year in a row, it pains me to do this part. Here's where we stand in the playoff race.

ARMAGEDDON: you're in.
Breaking Bad Tackles: you're in.
Da,Pope: you're in.
Black Francis Soyer: you're in.
Detox: you're in.
STLiens: you're out.
Savage Life: you're out.
That Bearded Mofo: I'm out.

Before we get to what has to happen for each of the final four teams to grab one of the last three spots, let's talk conference champions. As we know, ARMAGEDDON took the Vertical Conference prize two weeks ago. Even if he were to lose this week and Breaking Bad Tackles were to beat division foe Da,Pope, 'GEDDON would have the points advantage on BBT.

Meanwhile, the Horizontal Conference crown has two teams in contention, and one of them hasn't even made it into the playoffs yet. Man, our conference was bad this year. Black Francis Soyer has the record and points advantage on Hitmen, but a BFS loss and a Hitmen win would give Hitmen the prize, if he also outscores Black Francis by 23 this weekend.

Now back to the playoff hunt. As I said, there are three spots left and four teams to get them. It's musical chairs and one will be left with his keister on the floor. One team is 5-7 and three teams are 6-6. And two of those 6-6 teams play each other this week, so someone is definitely getting an L unless they take their feet off the gas like the Packers and Vikings did last weekend and settle with a tie.

Let's be honest. RAC ON RAC ON RACKS is in the playoffs. He's only been left off the list above because, technically, it's still mathematically possible that he could get eliminated because any given Sunday, anything can happen. Possible, but ridiculously improbable. RACKS has a nearly 60-point lead on the next closest team in the hunt (Hm) and more than a 140-point lead on the other two teams (FS, AM). Sure, he could lose and only score 35 while those other teams luck up and score 199, but that ain't go'n happen. Let's just say he's in, but we won't mark it up there with the other definitive teams yet.

If Hitmen wins, he's in. Seven victories punches a ticket to the playoffs. But if he loses to Freeworld and Allstate wins and outscores him by 87 this weekend (yeah, right), Hitmen would need RACKS to lose and score 57.5 points less than him to get in. Let's just say Hitmen is in the playoffs as well.

If Freeworld Savages wins, he gets in. But with the lowest point total of the four remaining teams, winning is a must for Freeworld. If he loses, he can only make the playoffs if Allstate Mayhem loses or scores 78.5 less than Freeworld this weekend. It may be easier for Freeworld to just root for Mayhem to lose this weekend against Savage Life than to pray for his own victory against Hitmen.

Allstate Mayhem is currently the odd man out, seated in 9th place. Mayhem is the only truly must-win team this weekend, and even just the win won't do it. To get into the playoffs, he needs to win and for Freeworld Savages to lose and not outscore him by 78.5 this week. Nobody is outscoring anybody by nearly 80 points, so forget about that variable. It's Allstates up, Savages down for Mayhem this week or he'll be in the fantasy morgue with the rest of us losers.

And with that, we finish up another 13. 13 weeks of nailbiters and fistfighters. 13 weeks of GroupMe smack talk. 13 weeks of pop culture madness. 13 weeks of gridiron greatness and football flubbery. 13 weeks of 2013. I try to provide you with something worth reading every week, and I hope I've done so.

See you in the post-season. Well, I won't see you there, but I'll report on it. Bitterly. Very, very bitterly.

~That Mofo~

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