That Bearded Mofo

First ArticlePrev Article
Next Article Latest Article

TBM: Just Hit Play

image shaved off

Really. Press play.
But not right now. Wait one paragraph.

So here we are: the last week of the fantasy football regular season. It just flew by, didn't it? Or not fast enough for those of you who are waiting and hoping for next year to be the year. So many things have happened over the last 12 weeks of 2011. And now it's that one time of year when I wrap up the events of the season with a rap...and, this year, with music! This year's rap in the style of Notorious B.I.G.'s "Juicy" has been recorded for your enjoyment. Just hit play.

Juicy Farts

Yeah, this song is dedicated to all the crazy stories that happened
During Gateway fantasy season 2011,
Stuff like Plaxico going from lockdowns to touchdowns,
Our gaudy website, Black Magic going from first to worst.
Shout out to Black Francis Soyer for hooking me up with the beat...

Uh-ha, it's all fun baby ba-bay, uh

It was no dream team
The Eagles just keep on getting reamed
David Stern just droppin' fines up on everything
Cam Newton came to ball
Every Sunday Rams attacked; no they didn't, they got stalled
Injuries rocked out 'cause the lockout
Peyton Manning's neck popped so the Colts flopped
In the muck. Now they're in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes club
Call it Suck for Luck
Remember draft day stalls, oh boy oh boy
I never thought RT Sports could steal such joy
Trade away the whole clique for the first pick
Chris Johnson got paid, then crashed like the World Trade
Like Herman Cain, and Rick Perry's "Oops, mane"
Can't remember third 'cause of farts up in the brain
Peace to Steve Jobs, Al Davis, Heavy D
Andy Rooney, Chris Tucker's home in Miami
It didn't start the way you thought it would
And you was praying when it got to week thirteen
It was all good

Uh... but what you didn't know, now you know, you know?

You knew very well who to start
Made some good draft picks... some were juicy farts
You had some wins, but not that many
Gateway thanks you for that trophy money

Ashton Kutcher, Kim Kardashian
Celebrity divorce was the television's friend
Ochocinco with a TD on his wishlist
De La Hoya admits it's him in those fishnets
Harbaugh shakes hands by smacking backs
Schwartz-y didn't like it so he went on the attack
Tebow's bow got attention
And the Browns had to have a Peyton Hillis intervention
Keeping quiet got Joe Pa fired
T.O. couldn't get hired, his rep's too tired
And Vince Wilfork got two I-N-T's
One for every belly he's got hanging to his knees
Jags munched Garrard's hopes like kid's lunch
Ortiz, sorry for the headbutt, suckerpunched
Rex paid seventy-five K's
Which is quicker than those twenty-five dook-kays
Uh... damn right Bieber got Billie Jeaned
And Jim Leyland's tighty whities wasn't clean
But it's all...

(It's all good)

...and what you didn't know, now you know, you know?

You knew very well who to start
Made some good draft picks... some were juicy farts
You had some wins, but not that many
Gateway thanks you for that trophy money

Thanks again to Black Francis Soyer for also helping out on vocals.

Five weeks down since my State of The League column back in week 8. Last year at this time, the fates of 7 teams had been decided. Let's see where the playoff race stands now.

That Bearded Mofo: I'm in.
Hitmen: you're in.
Madden Curse: you're in.
Black Francis Soyer: you're in.
Dub, Pope: you're in.
Mac Attack: you're in.
STLiens: you're out.
Gridy: you're out.
Black Magic: you're out.

That's right. Due to our closely contested season and the coincidence that the current 7th (Savage Life) and 8th (Team Perfection) place teams face each other in week 13, the fates of nine teams have already been decided. Now it's just a matter of what seed the six clinched teams will end up with.

Both Savage Life and Team Perfection are 6-6, which means only one of them can be 7-6, which means one will be 6-7, which means any team with 7 or more wins right now automatically has a slot in the playoffs. Both Savage Life and Team Perfection would have automatic slots right now as well, except that Gladiators is 5-7 and threatening for that 8th and final slot.

Savage Life is in the best position; even if he loses to Perfection and Gladiators wins, Savage Life currently has a 34 point lead on Gladiators. Losing is a little more troublesome for Team Perfection, as he is currently 35 points behind Gladiators. Of course, if Gladiators loses, it's all moot anyway: both Savage Life and Team Perfection would be safe.

Basically, here's what we know:
1) There will be one, and only one, playoff team under .500.
2) There will be at least two 7-win teams.
3) We could have five 8-win teams, we could have only one 8-win team.
4) We could have two 9-win teams, we could have zero 9-win teams.
5) The bottom 3 teams are not set; there's no telling who will have the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd picks next year.

Now, let's talk money. As you know, each conference leader gets broke off a little bit of the pot for dominating things. Right now, 15 points separate That Bearded Mofo and Hitmen for the Horizontal Conference crown. Even if Mac Attack were to win next week to match their 8-4 records, he's too far behind in points to truly compete. Dub, Pope has a much greater chance to contest them in points, but he currently sits 24.5 points behind Hitmen.

Now the Vertical Conference... This is much, much more interesting. The competition comes down to the division matchup between Madden Curse and Black Francis Soyer. Same record, so points don't matter. Just flat out head-to-head. The last time these two played was 10 weeks ago, alllll the way back in Week 3. Soyer trumped Curse in a power slugout (139.5 to 126.5) thanks to Brees. (You saw what Brees did against the Giants last night, right? Damn.) Madden has more total points than Francis, but, with the bye weeks over, Francis' team has been gaining steam. Who's gonna get that money? Gentlemen, place your bets.

To sum up, there are three games to watch this week:
Madden Curse (7-5) vs Black Francis Soyer (7-5): Winner wins money.
Savage Life (6-6) vs Team Perfection (6-6): Winner moves on to the playoffs, loser hopes Gladiators also loses.
STLiens (4-8) vs Gladiators (5-7): Gladiators must win and surpass the loser of SLvTP in overall points to move on to the playoffs.

Other games are interesting too... kinda.
Mac Attack (7-5) vs Hitmen (8-4): Mac Attack could foil Hitmen's chances at taking over number one in the conference and the league.
Black Magic (3-9) vs Dub, Pope (7-5): Dub, Pope must win and needs That Bearded Mofo and Hitmen to lose and needs to outscore them by 40 and 25 points, respectively to win the conference.
That Bearded Mofo (8-4) vs Gridy (4-8): Gridy could play spoiler to Mofo's chances of holding on to first place by beating him for the second time this season.

Okay, so those three games are not as interesting as the first three. But it's the last week of the regular season. And it's football. Everything is interesting.

Well, this is the end. Once again, it's been a pleasure writing for you for the season. I hope it's been a pleasure for you to read it. I'll see you in the post-season.

I mean, beat you. I'll beat you in the post-season.... But you already knew that, didn't you?

~That Flowing Mofo~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.