Screwed Loose
Published Tue Oct 9, 2012 2:00pm PST
Week 5 was a rough one. Only five Gateway teams cracked 120 points this week and one of them lost. Dub, Pope maintained his position over ARMAGEDDON in the North Division while Allstate's win over G O O D G A W D coupled with Savage Life's win over Hand me your Wallace actually dropped GG to third in the West division.
That Bearded Mofo claimed victory over Freeworld Juggernauts as the Association game predicted, moving TBM up to second in the East Division. And Hitmen's loss to Gridy leaves both Mofo and Freeworld just one game behind the division leader.
With a 144 point win, RAC ON RAC ON RACKS continues to dominate the South Division. And with their weekly point explosions, RACKS and Allstate Mayhem seem like they will be the clear cut Vertical and Horizontal Conference winners.
You know who else are winners? The losers. That's right, it's time to honor the dishonorable by charging the discharged. It's time for the XXIMLKICX Annual Screwy Awards! As usual, let's start with the passers that failed.
The "Matt Cassel Ain't Bin Laden, Okay Chiefs Fans?" Award - Quarterbacks
Cam Newton, 10 pts
Joe Flacco, 8 pts
Robert Griffin III, 4 pts
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to RG3.
I know, I know. Concussion. But that didn't happen until midway in the 3rd quarter. And he had no interceptions. And no fumbles. Which means his putrid little 4 points was all stats. All 91 yards of it. Sure, Fitzpatrick only had 4 points too, but at least he threw for triple digits.
RYAN FITZPATRICK: Yeah, I tried.
TBM: You shut up, Fitz! Go sit back in the garbage can until I tell you to get out.
The "Arian Foster Don't Eat Meat But Beats Feet" Award - Running Backs
Maurice Jones-Drew, 5.5 pts
Cedric Benson, 5 pts
Darren Sproles, 4.5 pts
Ryan Williams, 3.5 pts
Jackie Battle, 2 pts
Chris Johnson, .5 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Meryl Streep of RB Screwy Awards, Chris Johnson.
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. In Week 4, you increased your trade value with a decent game. (I guess. I guess 157 total yards is decent.) And this week you trashed all that credit like Lehman Brothers. The Society for Crappily Ruined Entertainment and Work (S.C.R.E.W.) doesn't usually give out awards to players of winning fantasy teams. But .5??? Point five must've been your blood alcohol level during Sunday's game. Seriously though, Chris Johnson is a plain and common name. Are we sure the team bus hasn't just been picking up the wrong guy each week?
The "Next Time Randy Moss Might Shake His ****" Award - Wide Receivers
Torrey Smith, 6 pts
Brandon Lloyd, 6 pts
Davone Bess, 6 pts
Pierre Garcon, 5 pts
Jordy Nelson, 4 pts
Andre Johnson, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to Andre Johnson.
Retire. Not from the NFL, retire from fantasy football. The way opposing players hang all over Andre, fantasy owners can't count on him anymore.
That was another case of the Screwy winner coming from a winning fantasy team. What can I say? There was an epidemic of studs crapping the bed this week. I wonder what the Tight Ends looked like.
The "Chris Cooley Is Single And Ready To Mingle With An NFL Team" Award - Tight Ends
Rob Gronkowski, 7 pts
Dennis Pitta, 5 pts
Greg Olsen, 5 pts
Antonio Gates, 4 pts
Jermichael Finley, 4 pts
Ed Dickson, 2 pts
Jimmy Graham, 1 pt
More like Loose Ends. Look at those names: Gronkowski, Gates, Finley, Graham. This year's top 3 drafted TEs and keeper Graham. Can you cut a fictional award into four pieces? Why not? Screwy goes to Gronkowski, Gates, Finley, and Graham.
Eff the four of youse. Like Andre above, Gates is no longer fantasy reliable because DBs jump his bones like Pepe Le Pew on a clumsy cat. Gronkowski came into the game hurting and it showed. He caught four balls Sunday and one STD Saturday night; stay away from the porn stars, son. Both Finley and Graham got hurt during their games, and so did their owners feelings. In the end, only Gronk and Finley teamed up to give their owner a loss, so this award really belongs to them. But still, eff Gates and Graham also.
The "Bruce Lee Will Kick Your Face Off" Award - Kickers
Billy Cundiff, 3 pts
Mason Crosby, 3 pts
And the Screwy goes to Mason Crosby.
Because Freeworld Juggernauts says so!
The "Warren Sapp Can't Buy His Shoes" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Julius Peppers (DL), 1 pt
Trent Cole (DL), .5 pts
Jason Babin (DL), .5 pts
Osi Umenyiora (DL), .5pts
Jason Pierre-Paul (DL), .5 pts
Chandler Jones (DL), 0 pts
Troy Polamalu, (DB), 1 pt
Jairus Byrd (DB), .5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Chandler Jones.
Who? What? Zero? Why? Booty. And of course, he's another player from a fantasy winner. But he must have screwed some fantasy owner somewhere. ... Probably not.
The "Ray Lewis Makes Good Commercials" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Packers, 5 pts
Eagles, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Philadelphia Turnovers.
If their defense played their offense every week, the Iggles would be a top fantasy D/ST. Mike Vick coughs up the ball like Gronkowski coughing up blood; seriously, Gronk, cool it with the XXX-girls.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Shut Yo' Face Up
Peyton Manning, 34 pts for sticking STLiens
Percy Harvin, 30 pts for stumping STLiens
Wes Welker, 29 pts for stunting STLiens
Ahmad Bradshaw, 28 pts for fracking Freeworld Juggernauts
Bears, 27 pts for fricasseeing Freeworld Juggernauts
Tony Gonzalez, 31 pts for gooping G O O D G A W D
Matt Ryan, 26 pts for gumptioning G O O D G A W D
Reggie Wayne, 40 pts for arm and hammering ARMAGEDDON
Brandon Marshall, 32 pts for architecting ARMAGEDDON
Aaron Rodgers, 33 pts for handing it to Hand me your Wallace
Victor Cruz, 28 pts for hampering Hand me your Wallace
Marques Colston, 40 pts for Hitlering Hitmen
Eli Manning, 28 pts for heckling Hitmen
And the Screwy goes to--Sweet Jesus! Look at all these points. And the list doesn't even include Brees and his 40 point output. Speaking of 40 points, the Screwy goes to Reggie Wayne.
Why Wayne and not Colston? Because when's the last time you heard Reggie Wayne get recognized? Also, 212 receiving yards. The man traveled farther than your local Domino's.
The "T.O. Tweets He's Available, Jets" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Vernon Davis, 15 pts
Rashard Mendenhall, 17 pts
Trent Richardson, 20.5 pts
Andrew Luck, 36 pts
Alex Smith, 37 pts
Michael Crabtree, 23 pts
Stevan Ridley, 19 pts
Sam Bradford, 17 pts
Dolphins, 15 pts
Honorable Mention: Philip Rivers, 26 pts
And the Screwy goes to Alex Smi-- hell naw. Trent Richardson.
We ain't giving no award to Alex Smith. After all these years, he's supposed to be fantasy relevant now? He's supposed to start over Cam Newton? I don't believe it. I won't buy it. And Luck got 2 more points than his fantasy alternate, some guy named Peyton Manning. Sure we expect Luck to do that, but not yet. He's still a rookie. So next in line on the benched points list is a different rookie, Trent Richardson. And he gets the award. Because leaving behind 20.5 from a starting Browns running back over 9 from a Dolphins wide receiver (Hartline) is a bench move.
It's time to cue the music and toss the champagne bottles. That's all from the MMASCIIXXL Annual Screwys.
It's Inter-Conference play as North versus West and South versus East next week. You know what that means... Not a g*dd*mn thing.
~That Screwy Mofo~